CAUGHT RED HANDED

It was one of those hot and sticky, no wind, no air, kind of nights. Sweat oozed continuously from every orifice. A couple of times I had to peel my legs apart, it was that bad.

Mrs Never too Hot, lying next to me would still have the fucking electric blanket on if I had not cut the wires. The stupid fool has changed the fuse four times. Snoring away, like a pneumatic drill stuck on overdrive, she was.

I had the laptop on, and was merrily surfing away. It is not a habit, so don’t be getting the wrong idea, but somehow, I found my way to surfing…P…O…R…N.

See, I’m not even comfortable saying the bloody word.

Guilty as charged your honour. I’m not proud, but I won’t apologise, there was nothing illegal. Certainly nothing involving animals, fuck, the thought, yuck.

Any way, as I was saying, remember what kind of night it was and I’m not offering it as a defence, more…a reason.

I am a man after all, I have needs, and sometimes these needs have to be, shall we say…met.

I thought the bitch was sound asleep and anyone snoring like she was had to be half fucking dead for god sake. Well she wasn’t, or she woke up while I was otherwise too occupied to notice.

‘What are you doing’ she said.

What a fucking fright. Frozen in mid flow, I was, I could not move a fucking muscle.

What? I replied, not that I could not hear what was just said, I was simply stalling, trying to register a reply. I knew instantly there was no reply.

‘I said, what are you doing, and don’t say, I was doing nothing’

The answer came back all to fucking quickly and with that voice, oh that fucking voice, not an angry tone or a disappointed one, a fucking victorious one. The bitch had me in her sights and my fuck, was she going to enjoy herself.

Now she was sitting up with the lamp on and in full sarcastic flow. I just lay there, trying to wilt into the mattress. The cow was having none of that.

‘Don’t let me stop you, I’ll just watch.’ How she mocked,

What the fuck can you say to that? Fuck all, that’s what. I simply grinned inanely.

Reaching over she pulled away the covers. My cock has never been so fucking small or pathetic. The bastard had deserted in a time of need.

‘Where is that camera?’

As if I was going to tell the loony bastard. Fucking camera!

Continuing with the wee game, she pointed at the computer screen, ‘We could always post a picture of…that.’ She said, pointing and laughing at something else.

I had to agree, ‘that’, was probably a good description.

I got up and made my way to the toilet. The cow watched every step, enjoying the obvious discomfort and, honestly, that was the first time I actually seen the resemblance to her mother. Arms folded under her saggy tits and her mouth was chewing away at nothing to stop the fucking laughter spilling out.

I stalled at the bedroom door, I had to retrieve the situation, I’m the man of the house and that cow wasn’t getting the better of me, no fucking way.

Turning around full front, hands on hips. Brazen as you like.

She cocked her head to the side, you know that, well go for it big man, kind of attitude. Well I fucking went for it.

Seeing as how you’re awake bitch, I said,

That straightened the bitch upright, and before she could answer. I got mine in first.

Get the fucking pyjamas off. I’ll be back in five minutes.

I shut the room door and went to the toilet.

The pyjamas were off when I came back.

The night grew more hot and sticky. Well it did for her anyway.