Umbrella

Some people are driven by obsession so great that it can make a five foot four man think he’s actually six foot six square. Harry Slocum is such a man, and the obsession – he truly thinks he is a first rate hard-as-nails gangster.

At the time this tale was happened, Harry still stayed at home with Margret, his Mother, a sour faced spinster who was married to Ted for only three years before he killed himself by telling his life story to a moving train.

The poor, poor man couldn’t take her spiteful frigid ways, or worse, the cackling sound Baby Harry had perfected just to annoy his Father, so he just … well, he just.

One day Margaret ran out of bread despite it only being Tuesday; now normally a loaf lasted until Thursday, but Harry was feeding the evil pesky pigeons again. A deed that irked his Mother so much her lips bled because she bit them when she was angry.

Harry, you get down to the shop and get me another loaf, she shouted, and take your umbrella with you it’s going to rain cats’n’dogs soon. It wasn’t, but she liked to say such things; it was she felt, better than silence.

Harry was only in the shop two minutes when suddenly a thief came in demanding to be handed over the day’s takings. The shop-keeper couldn’t move, he was so startled, not because he was being robbed – he was used to that, but Harry in his shop on a Tuesday, buying bread, that was something to be startled about. The man thought he had slept for two days and no one had told him.

Harry, he was cheesed because the thief being impatient had jumped the queue, and as far as Harry knew; he was the only gangster in town – so he stabbed the thief with the deadly sharp bit at the end of the umbrella. The thief promptly died, Mr Patel, the shop-keeper he was so pleased he wasn’t getting robbed that week, he gave Harry two loafs for the price of one, the pigeons, they feasted like royalty that day, and Margret, when Harry told her what had happened, she bit her lip so hard she went into shock and also died right there on the kitchen floor.

The moral of the tale – even though he is only a short assed thirty six year old orphan, Harry is indeed a hard as nails gangster who has a soft spot for feeding pigeons, so be fore-warned, don’t get into scrapes with genuine lunatics.

Oh, and no matter how pleasant you may think it is, don’t bite your lips too hard or you’ll end up like Margret.